The Modern Man

This might be a Tricky one. 

Let’s be honest here, if you’ve ever tried to find love, someone to date or marry, in the age of today, it’s a bit of a sh*t show. From people “ghosting” each other to rampant cheating, lies, manipulation and just overall awful behavior to each other, it might seem like an absolute minefield in which to navigate. And that’s because it is. In times gone, people men would “court” a woman, this process could take months, could take years. They got to know each other before they had a sexual relationship, they learned to trust each other. Men asked permission for the hand in marriage from the father of the woman they were interested in. Nowadays people hop on apps such as tinder, and find a match online, exchange a few messages and could be “hooking” up the same night. Maybe they will continue to do so, or maybe this will be a one and done type thing. Or maybe they meet in a nightclub and go back for one night of fun before going their separate ways. Now this might suit you, and great, more power to you. However, I do think it’s a source of more than a few problems in our society right now. All the time I see men and women complaining about how they can’t find a good partner, how they are sick and tired of always getting hurt or played. The divisions, the mistrust between sexes could arguably be said to never be greater than they are today, in a world that is supposed to be full of equality between the genders, and in many ways, it is, the interpersonal relationships that sow lies and distrust, the almost barbaric assault on the idea of a nuclear family and the act of one night stands and Friends with benefits can leave people feeling disposable, unlovable and generally pretty down in the dumps. Which is understandable. And this goes for both sexes, it used to be said that men were more unfaithful, lied and manipulated more, but this cannot be said anymore, with women being guilty of just as much, if not more acts of betrayal then men these days.  

If you’ve ever seen the 2007 movie called what love is, you are probably aware of Matthew Lillard’s speech, and even if you haven’t, it’s been doing the rounds on tik toc and other social media platforms for quite some time. And to be fair, his character Sal, had more than a few things to say in that film. “Every womanizer, every player, every guy juggling three broads at the same time. He’s only doing so out of fear. Fear of being crushed by a woman. Cause one day, back in the day, they were not a player.” the characters argument is that men use to be “little romantics” once upon a time, maybe we all start that way, and then the woman they loved hurt them, maybe she cheated, or lied, or just ended the relationship stone cold and it crushed the hypothetical gentleman. Leading him to become cold, becoming the typical “player” that sleeps around carefree breaking womans hearts in the process. And I do understand this response, I’ve had many friends go through the same thing and end up with a very cynical view on woman and relationships in general. And I know more than a few women who have been hurt by men in the past that have told me they never plan on trusting another man again, saying things like “all men are pigs” and it’s easier to just stay single, sleep with whomever they please without any attachments.  

Now, I’ve been hurt before, twice badly and once, awfully. These events in my life left me feeling down and lonely, left me with no feelings of self-worth and I felt damn emotional, sure I had feelings of anger, but the primary feeling was that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worthy of their love. After the mother of my children left me, I had months of anxious turmoil, thinking I’ll never find another partner, that it’s my destiny to be single forever. Raise my kids as a single father. But somehow, deep down, I never really gave up, I always managed to keep my faith in love as an idea, that true love is real and is attainable for others, but maybe, just maybe for myself too. I didn’t let the pain of heartbreak and deceit change my world view; I didn’t let it sour me in the ways it had my friends. And then, when I wasn’t even looking for it, I found the love of my actual life, and it all made sense, the reason it never worked out with anyone else.  

Now this blog post isn’t about me, or the woman I plan to marry. I guess I wrote this as a reminder of sorts, that love is real, people are individual, yes, some people will hurt you, will let you down, lie to you, cheat on you. But it’s only the people we love that can really hurt us. And just because one person did doesn’t mean every single woman or man you get to know will do you wrong. It’s about keeping your identity, staying who you are despite the heartbreak, not letting the actions of other people change you into a lesser version of yourself. If you’re a lover, that’s a wonderful thing, be proud you have the capacity to love, to feel and to be vulnerable, because that’s what love is right? Allowing yourself to be vulnerable around another human being. And don’t worry about being a “lover” or a “fighter” they are the same thing. Like the hero Keanu Reeves once said “if you’re a lover, you must be a fighter. Because if you don’t fight for your love, what kind of love do you have.”  

So be bold, be brave, love deeply and without regret. Sure, maybe choose your partners with a bit of forethought, but don’t shy away, in my experience, the best love comes to you out of the blue, and loving them isn’t a conscious decision, it just happens.  

Faithfully yours.  

jack